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That's sick shotmaking
The other day I turned on the tube and was privileged to witness a couple of snowboarding type people turn their bodies into torpedoes as they careened down an icy mountain with speeds fast enough to make non-drug users vomit. Interestingly, it wasn't the speed, nor the fact that their outer extremities were flailing around like Tarzan plummeting to his death after missing the next vine, that I found intriguing. No, it was their post-run "lingo" that brought tears to my eyes and caused my heart to flutter. And it made me think, perhaps we could use some of that "sick" talk in the world of golf.
Now I don't know about you, but I tend to think golf on TV can be dryer than a popcorn fart. Unless it's a major, where just the historical relevance is sufficiently captivating, the regular tour events just aren't "gruesome" enough for me. Ultimately, it's usually the announcers who drive me into switching the channel to old re-runs of Knight Rider. ("Go, Kitt, Go!")
Interestingly, broadcasters do have the power and the potential to keep my grimy little hands off the remote and focused on the boys with sticks and balls. My suggestion is that they tune in to what's going on in the world of snowboarding, skateboarding, and extreme sports - and take some notes. With a little creativity borrowed from the gen-x crowd, ho-hum golf phrases can be altered to keep fans on the edge of their seat, yelping in utter delight. For exampleÉ
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Boring Phrase #1 - "What a great shot from this rising star. That sure was an exciting play hitting overtop of that tree. Not very many players could have done that. He must be quite excited."
Could Be - "Dude, did you see that sick strike from circus boy? I just spewed on my lap! Love it. He went fakie and boned it right over that tree. Busted huge air! Mortals would have cratered on their face. He's got to be stoked!"
Boring Phrase #2 - "This is one of the toughest golf holes on the course. Unless golfers are aggressive, birdies will be very difficult to make."
Could Be - "This hole has caused many grommets to spit Chicklets. This is one jam session where yard sales are common. Stomping out birdies will be limited to huckers who don't mind poaching trails that are closed to most posers."
Boring Phrase #3 - "It looks like he's playing well at the moment. His swing looks very good."
Should Be - "Dude, he's ripping some phat air right now. No heel drags or speed checks in that swing. Nothing wack about his groove. He's tweaked and going yard."
Boring Phrase #4 - "That shot could prove disastrous. It looks like a bogey is inevitable."
Should Be - "That was lame. Looks like he's beat and bailing hard. Bogies and brain aches are looming large."
Boring Phrase #5 - "This is an excellent golf course. The gallery will be treated to some wonderful play. We should see some good golf from the players on both the outward and inward nines."
Should Be - "This track kicks. No boring lip tricks here. The fans are going to feast on some sick style. Frontside, backside, inverted - you name it, they'll be sticking, stomping, slamming, and packing hard."
As you can see, word usage can completely alter the dynamics of how information is conveyed. I tend to thing that the gen-x crowd knows something many of the old, crusty broadcasters haven't quite figured out. Now, I'm not saying that every announcer should carry a bong with them up into the booth and speak in unrecognizable tongues, however, a little literary flair wouldn't hurt. Now if you'll excuse me, the grommets I golf with are outside honking their horn - waiting to get schooled.
Andrew Penner is a longtime member of the Canadian PGA. Author of "One Flew Over the Caddyshack," He also writes for a number of magazines throughout Canada and the U.S. and has contributed to SaskGolfer.com forever.
Secrets of the game
Good rhythm - Good chipping, putting and pitching are all about good rhythm. You need a steady back and through flow for all of these shots to reach the proper distance and line. Find a pace using words like "back and through" or "one and two."
Hard sand - one of the most difficult shots is hitting a ball out of hard or compacted sand. For this shot use a pitching wedge so it won't bounce off the sand. Take the shot back shallow and skim the ball off the sand by taking a small slice of ground. Accelerate through and expect lots of backspin.
High shots - To hit your fairway woods long and high, do the opposite of what you think. Try having the clubhead go back low to the ground and stay low to the ground after impact.
SGA tourney schedule released
The Saskatchewan Golf Association (SGA) conducts the provincial championships for women's and men's amateur golf, at junior, adult and senior levels. It also conducts team trials in conjunction with these championships, to determine the four-member teams representing the province at national competitions.
SGI CANADA Junior Women's and Junior Men's Championships
Chinook Golf Course, Swift Current, July 5 to 8
Amateur Women's and Mid Amateur Men's Championships
Lloydminster Golf & Country Club, Lloydminster, July 12 to 15
Amateur Men's Championship
The Legends, Warman, July 19 to 22
Senior Women's & Senior Men's Championships
Elmwood Golf & Country Club, Swift Current, July 26 to 28
Women's Rosebowl Championship
Wynyard Golf Course, August 3 and 4
Mixed Team Championship
Golf Kenosee, Kenosee Lake, August 27 and 28
For more information contact Brian Lee, Executive Director, at the SGA office, (306) 975-0841.
Win $5,000 at the Master's
Once again the SGA will partner with the Rotary Club of Saskatoon to offer the 2011 Masters Golf Pool. 20% of the net proceeds will benefit Junior Golf Development in
Saskatchewan. The entry form is available on our website and on the current issue of ON PAR E- Newsletter (Saskatchewan Golf Association). Test your golf prognostication skills and you could win $5,000 cash and the Green Jacket. www.saskgolf.ca
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The laws of golf
LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.
LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.
LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.
LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.
LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe.
LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.
LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.
LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.
LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.
LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you?
LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.
LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.
LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.
LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (See Law three).
LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.
LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker."
LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.
LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.
LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.
LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset.
Rules of Golf Tidbit
Tough way to start the season: Villegas and Harrington disqualified after viewer
notifies officials . A golf fan who happened to be watching the opening round of the Tournament of Champions in Kapalua with a couple of friends in Daytona Beach,
Florida made some noise when Camilo Villegas flicked away some loose pieces of
grass as his ball was rolling down a slope back toward his divot on the 15th hole.
What resulted from this action was Villegas was disqualified for a rules violation. A golf fan and his friends thought Villegas had done something wrong, so they went to the USGA's website and found Rule 23-1: "When a ball is in motion, a loose impediment that might influence the movement of the ball must not be removed."
The golf fan contacted a golf blogger, who then sent an e-mail to the PGA Tour media official at Kapalua. By this time, the round was over, and Villegas had long signed his card, resulting in the disqualification.
So how can a disqualification be worse? Villegas was celebrating his 29th birthday. Happy Birthday!
Padraig Harrington was disqualified from the golf tournament that took place in Abu Dhabi after a golf fan called in saying that Harrington never replaced his ball correctly. After review Harrington was removing his coin when his ball ever so slightly moved two dimples forward and rolled one dimple back (he did not know, nor did his playing partners). The viewer said he could see it clearly on his high definition television.
After signing his card he went to his hotel, got up early was practicing on the driving range and was in contention to win the golf tournament when he was notified by officials that he had been disqualified for singing and incorrect scorecard because he did not account for his penalty strokes.
First Tee welcomes golfers
Believe it or not, it is possible to golf in Regina in the early spring months! Dozens of world-class golf courses and various formats of play, including the popular stroke play and Texas Scramble, will keep you entertained for months at the First Tee.
"It's a great spot for hooking up with friends, a 'date night,' a 'couples night,' a staff 'team building' event, a place to go for a night out, or to work on the game," says Jim Johnson, owner-operator of The First Tee. "Plus, you can enjoy playing a course that the PGA Tour golfs on (we have many). And at this time of year it's a great place to get the swing in the groove for the upcoming 'outdoor' season."
With 10 simulators, The First Tee is one of Canada's largest indoor golf centres. Various lies, angles, and wind are all taken into account as you make your way around the simulated golf course. The patented infrared tracking system, with its 688 independent sensors, is the industry standard for indoor golf.
The system sees the slightest variation in ball flight performance and accurately displays the exact flight of each shot in real time. Full Swing Golf simulators, in use ' at The First Tee, are known in the industry as some of the most user-friendly and quickest to use.
The beer cart's close by, the kitchen's not far away, and multiple widescreen TV's are all within view, says Johnson. Newcomers are welcome to golf for 15 minutes at no charge to see what it's all about. "We know you'll have fun, hey, it's hard not to have fun on a golf course, and there's 58 of them to choose from here!," he says.
There are some great specials at The First Tee, including some fantastic food and drink choices, as well as three draft beers on tap. As a community service fundraiser, the facility holds a half price promotion for sports teams, clubs and non-profit organizations during the fall and winter sessions. Some evenings are still available for fundraising during the month of April, but times are limited so call soon. Small groups can earn as much as $650 and large groups $3,000. And there's no mosquitoes! www.firsttee.ca
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Amen Corner
"Golf has humbled, humiliated and just about licked all the great athletes I ever knew that tried it."
- Football coach Earl Red Blaik
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